Part 5, Notes from “Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas

The thematic verse for chapters 7-8 is 2 Thess. 3:5: “May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.”  The theme is perseverance in marriage, even if it’s a bad marriage in which you struggle constantly, and feel like you’ve married the “wrong one.” Thomas notes that even in redemptive history, in the relationship between God and His people, there have been periods of great joy and celebration, frustration and anger, infidelity and apostasy, and “excruciating seasons of silence.” (105). But through it all, God did not turn His back on Israel; His “overall commitment remained concrete and steadfast” (106). Thomas’ words on the spiritual discipline of perseverance are worth the read. He notes that “we live in a nation of quitters.” (107). How true this is. Parenthetically, I’d say that we live in a nation of quitters, “victims,” whiners, and “entitlists” (I think I just made up a word here; I’m referring to so many in our culture who feel like the rest of the world owes them something just because they were born).

Thomas’ position on perseverance leads him to challenge those who leave their spouses to consider that the basic Christian discipline of perseverance leads one to self-denial. But again, I think cultural mandates and fads lead too many Christians astray. They buy into the cultural mores of so-called happiness, and the “me first” attitude. Of course, I firmly believe that this sort of thinking is ingrained in people when they are children, by parents with little or no biblical parenting skills, who model for their children that the child is the most important person in the world – but that’s another issue.

In chapter 8, Thomas goes into two very interesting examples of perseverance in marriage. One was Abraham Lincoln, who according to Thomas’ biography was married to perhaps the worst first lady ever. But Lincoln stuck it out, and it can be easily seen that God used that marriage to build character in a man who was larger than life, all the while, his marriage was terrible. The second was Anne Lindbergh, who was married to Charles Lindbergh. Same scenario. Her marriage and circumstances were less than desirable, but God used them to build character and to offer platforms for ministry that would otherwise have NOT been available. What about your marriage? Thomas says, “A difficult marriage does not pronounce a death sentence on a meaningful life. It presents several challenges, to be sure, but it also provides wonderful opportunities for spiritual growth . . .” (152).

Part 4, Notes from “Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas

Chapter five is interesting because it connects our prayer life and our general walk with the Lord with the health of our marriage. Thomas brings up 1 Peter 3:7. Thomas’ explanation is that prayer is essential to the Christian life, and a good relationship with your spouse is essential to effective prayer. Therefore, one's walk with God is affected by one’s relationship to their husband or wife. One of the comments that points in this direction is as follows: “If prayer is the essence of spirituality, and if a wrong attitude in marriage destroys that activity, it behooves men in particular to pay careful attention here.” (74). Thomas goes on to talk about the unity that should be found within a marriage. He gets into the issue of us becoming disillusioned with the notion that another human being can “complete us.” He writes, “No human being can love us the way we long to be loved; it is just not possible for another human to reach and alleviate the spiritual ache that God has placed in all of us,” (83) and, “Marriage does us a very great favor in exposing this truth, but it presents a corresponding danger – getting entangled in dissension. For the sake of prayer, it is essential that we live in unity. For the sake of unity, our passions and desires must be God-directed.” (83).

In chapter six, Thomas explains that marriage exposes our sin. Our spouses are like a mirror to us. They show us what is really in our own hearts. This seems crazy-headed at first blush. But he’s right. He quotes Gary & Betsy Ricucci, “One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, ‘Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!’” Thomas suggests that our challenges and struggles in marriage should be viewed as a platform for growth. When your own sin is revealed, use it as an opportunity “to grow in the foundational Christian virtue of humility, leading you to confession and renouncement.” (97). He ends with these words, “The choice is ours. Sin is a reality in this fallen world. It’s how we respond to it that will determine whether our marriages become a casualty statistic or a crown of success.” (102).

Go here for video clips (click "download" tab at the top & proceed from there). We spend our money and time on things that fail to satisfy and we begin to wonder what life's ultimate purpose really is. We are, in short, losing our bearings as a people and a nation. Focus on the Family has launched The Truth Project which is a DVD-based curriculum designed to offer a look at life from a biblical perspective. Mt. Moriah Baptist Church, 3631 Hornsboro Rd., would like to invite high school juniors and seniors to attend this bi-weekly experience held at Mt. Moriah and facilitated by pastor Mel Winstead, Ph.D. Teens will learn answers to questions such as Who is man?, Who is God?, What is true?, What about ethics?, etc. The only requirements are an absolute commitment to attend each session, and an RSVP on this blog (by commenting or calling) or via email to the pastor by Saturday, March 24. The first session will begin Saturday, March 31 at 6PM (complimentary meal is provided). Pastor Mel’s email is www.melwinstead@shtc.net.

For my neighbors

Encouragement for my neighbors:

1.      I do encourage you as the Scriptures do, if you have an issue with someone, you go talk to that person about it.

2.      Don’t get bitter – it won’t be good for your health or your walk with God.

Prayer for you:

1.      For the parents – I pray God’s strength and peace (and wisdom) for you - see Psalm 29:11. God gives strength and peace to those who belong to Him.

2.      For the students – I pray that in the worst case scenario, you’ll be like Daniel and his friends and be faithful to Christ in the face of a crazy culture. Also see Esther 4:14.

      3.      For all of us involved – trust God: 2 Chronicles 16:9 “For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” And I’m sure you know Proverbs 3:5-6, but we might need to read it again.

4.      Remember the film “Facing the Giants”?: If we win, we praise Him; if we lose, we praise Him; Well, if the school closes, we praise Him; if it stays open, we praise Him. Either way, Christ deserves our praise and our trust. As the old hymn says so well: “He doeth all things well.”

Part 3, Notes from “Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas

Chapter Four is a very important chapter in this book since it talks about the topic of contempt. This is an entity that I think seeps into marriages after the “shine” wears off, and contempt has to be fought against. In the last section titled “Looking Out for Each Other,” Thomas gives a scenario from his own marriage: He had just returned from traveling for several days and was dog-tired, having spoken to large audiences six times in four days, and having driven through four states. He walks in the door back at home, only to have his wife think that since he was finally home, and since she had the kids all by yourself for these four days, it’s his turn to attend to and entertain the kids (tough situation, right?). Thomas comments, “This is the stuff that five-star marriage fights are made of. These are the situations that feel like they are specifically cooked up in hell.” (69). He popped some popcorn he had brought home for the kids and sat down at the kitchen table to eat and talk with the kids. Thomas says that what he discovered at this point was that his wife had matured. He was doing what he could to stay awake and engage the kids, yet he noticed that his wife was being “incredibly sensitive” to how tired he must’ve been. She offered to take care of the kids since he was exhausted! He says, “But hearing her say that made me WANT to take care of the kids. I realized that even though she had a valid reason to pass the night-time duties on to me, she was being hard on herself and easy on me; and that made ME want to be hard on myself and easy on HER.” (70). I’d like to throw in Philippians 2:3-4 for you on this issue. You can look it up for yourself. It’s a great marriage passage . . .

Part 2, Notes from “Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas

Thomas writes, “Marriage requires a radical commitment to love our spouses as they are, while longing for them to become what they are not yet.” He goes on to teach in chapter three that our love for our spouses, in part, reveals our love for God. He takes his cue for this comment from Jesus’ words that the two great commandments go together, and they are to love God with all your heart, and your neighbor as yourself.  Here is a great quote I shared in a sermon a couple weeks ago: “That’s what’s so difficult about Jesus’ call to love others. On one level, it’s easy to love God, because God doesn’t smell. God doesn’t have bad breath. God doesn’t reward kindness with evil. God doesn’t make berating comments. Loving God is easy, in this sense. But Jesus really let us have it when he attached our love for God with our love for other people.” (41-42).

Thomas goes on to suggest that God’s plan for me if I’m married is to make my wife happy. In other words, if I’m married, my primary ministry (or if I’m not in “ministry,” my primary job) is my spouse. Thomas states, “On a very practical level, a husband who plots how to make his wife laugh every now and then is serving God. A wife who plans an unforgettable sexual experience for her husband is serving God. A husband who makes sacrifices so his wife can get the recreational time she needs is loving God.” (43). Throughout chapter three are real-life marriage scenarios that have been worked through by his counselees, and they are worth reviewing. He finishes chapter three with these words, “But if you truly want to love God, look right now at the ring on your left hand, commit yourself to exploring anew what that ring represents, and love passionately, crazily, enduringly the fleshly person who put it there. It may just be the most spiritual things you can do.” (51).

In chapter four, Thomas talks about respecting your wife (or husband), learning to be thankful for their positives, and realize and deal with the evil in your own heart. Thomas says, “You will never find a spouse who is not affected in some way by the reality of the Fall. If you can’t respect this spouse because she is prone to certain weaknesses, you will never be able to respect any spouse.” (69).

Read Phil Johnson post and listen to video

"Providence is Sweet"

Part 1, Notes from “Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas

Of all the stuff I’ve read on marriage, so many steps to accomplish this or that, or how to beef up your “love” life, or whatever, this is probably the first one I’ve read that makes sense about the meaning of marriage itself. The subtitle says it all, I think: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Thomas states on p. 12 that he’s not after simple answers in this book; what he’s after is finding out how we can “use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character.

On one topic, being single versus being married, Thomas’ comparison is this: “If you want to be free to serve Jesus . . . stay single. . . . But is you want to become more like Jesus . . . get married.” (21). Not that Jesus was married – that’s not the point. The point is that “Being married forces you to face character issues you’d never have to face otherwise.” (21). He goes on to mention the transforming work of marriage that happens 24/7, and the fact that marriage calls us to “an entirely new and selfless life.” (22). On this same topic, Thomas testifies, “I found there was a tremendous amount of immaturity within me that my marriage confronted.” (23). Ouch. Well, the first two chapters go on with these kinds of explanations. It’s a wonderful read. This is my second time through it. I’ll post some highlight here until I finish the book.

Chapter two is about the analogy of marriage and the spiritual transaction of reconciliation. His point is that Christian marriages should hang on because 1) the God-centered view of marriage is that it brings glory to God and points people to a reconciling Creator, 2) we should be after what makes God happy, not what makes us “happy,” and 3) we can’t carry a message to our children and neighbors about reconciliation if we aren’t living it ourselves and instead are seeking dissolution . . .

part 8, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

In the last chapter of “Point Man,” Farrar writes, “If you know Jesus Christ personally, you have not only a rock, but a role model.” (256). And the takeaway from that is this: even if your dad was not solid, and even if he was not a good model Christian for you, if you know Jesus as your Savior, you DO have a model to follow.
Farrar admits for us, “It’s a Herculean task to lead a family,” but, he adds, “with the power of God supporting you, it is a tremendous privilege.” (258). You can count on God’s support and power and wisdom if you’re willing to be the point man in your family. He is, after all, Immanuel.

part 7, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

Chapter ten is titled “Telling Your Kids What You Don’t Want to Tell Them.” It talks about informing your children about sex – what God designed it for, and who should be participating in it. Two simple points here: first, this seems to come as a newsflash for many, but sex is only for a male and a female that are married (that’s two separate issues, actually); second, you, the parent, are the sex instructor. If you don’t teach your kids the right things about sex, you are giving permission to your kids’ friends to instruct YOUR children about sex. And their friends WILL instruct them, only it will not be what a Christian parent wants their children to hear and know.
Farrar declares that virginity should be seen as exemplary, not derogatory. That’s true enough, but it is surely counter-cultural. Farrar’s suggested procedure for teaching is this (you’ll have to read the book to get the details):
1. Small questions deserve small answers
2. Big questions deserve big answers
3. Frank questions deserve frank answers
4. Be casual & natural
5. Look for teachable moments
6. Use the right terms without embarrassment
7. Consider the age of the child
8. Let them know that they can ask you anything and get a straight answer.

part 6, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

Chapter nine of Farrar’s book is titled “How to Raise Masculine Sons and Feminine Daughters.” He makes this statement, “We have been given exceptional responsibilities as fathers in a culture that is going morally berserk.” (205). He further states that we are living in exceptionally evil days (205), and that dads must provide “moral landmarks” for their children. These moral landmarks are:
1 – raise our children in fairness (Col. 3:21).
2 – raise our children with tenderness – Eph. 6:4. a) listen to them; b) ask for forgiveness when needed; c) listen to the input your wife gives you about each child; d) gives lots of encouragement.
3 – raise our children with firmness. They need to know the limitations and to know that you’re in control, not them.
4 – raise our children in Christ.
Children need a properly calibrated compass (219).

part 5, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

In chapter eight, titled “The Birth of a Tangent,” Farrar speaks to the issue of having a baby versus other big “accomplishments” in life. He writes, “Some guys head their own corporations by age thirty-five. Big deal. Some guys win five gold medals at the Olympics. Big deal. Some guys climb Mount Everest. Big deal. Some guys swim the length of the Pacific under water without taking a breath. Big deal. In my book, none of those exploits come close to the man who has learned to change a dirty diaper without throwing up. That’s what I call a big deal . . . It’s also what Jesus called being a servant.” (196-197). I will add to that: it’s what I call accepting responsibility. And, some people might read this and say ‘well, you’re marginalizing the big achievements in life to make a point about having a child.’ To that I say this: I just earned a Ph.D. in December. It pales in comparison to raising my own child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. My “achievement” could never produce even something seemingly as small as what happened yesterday morning. My four year old grabbed a book off my study bookshelf, sat in the floor and said she had her Bible book. She began to talk as if she was teaching someone else and said “Now, 2 Corinthians 2:9 says . . .” She didn’t quote the verse (although she can quote multiple Bible verses), and I don’t even know how she knew to say “2 Cor. 2:9,” because I certainly haven’t mentioned that book. My point is, I agree with Farrar, no “achievement” in this life is anything compared to the ministry in my home, raising the next generation to fear God and exalt Christ. Additionally, as we went out the door to lunch yesterday, this same four-year old daughter asked for her own Bible, I gave her one, and she tucked in under her arm and marched out the door . . . Men, this brings up another issue: children “catch” how you live. Taking your kids to church on Sunday morning is not enough. We have to model. To be able to, and to actually implement, influencing the next generation for Jesus – that’s a big deal.

part 4, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

In chapter seven of the book, Farrar talks about husband and wife teamwork. His most memorable analogy is the “Montana/Rice” principle. He recalls how well the 49ers’ seasons went when Joe Montana and Jerry Rice were working together. The fact is both wanted to win games, but in order to do so, Montana had to “lead” and Rice had to “submit.” If they worked together in this way, they could shred a defense very quickly. Farrar offers the “NFL” version of Eph. 5:22-23: “Wide receivers, submit to your quarterback, as to the Lord. For the quarterback is the head of the wide receiver as Christ is the head of the church . . .” (163). Of course, this doesn’t mean a husband should be an “authoritarian.” In fact, I know some otherwise godly Christian men who act somewhat like Muslims in the way they treat their wives: they make their wives wait on them hand and foot like a servant or something. The symptoms for this are:
1. Lacks interest in his wife’s input . . .
2. Forbids the children to discuss his decisions with him . . .
3. Trusts few people.
4. Displays an intense need to control those closest to him.
Funny thing is, Jesus modeled for us a totally different perspective – wash their feet, serve them . . . Farrar goes on in this chapter to explain that a mature man loves his wife:
1.sacrificially,
2. with understanding, and
3. with verbal praise . . .
Another interesting comment from the book comes from the pen of the reformer Martin Luther: “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” (173).
Finally, mutual submission = “you take the lead in your submission to Christ to such an extent that you become a model for your wife” (181).

part 3, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

According to Farrar, another one of Satan’s strategies on his war on the family is to effectively sever and alienate a man from the spiritual disciplines that will keep him fit and effective for spiritual battle. (111). Perhaps my favorite line from Point Man is this: “spiritual activity does not equal spiritual effectiveness.” Oh, how I need to remember this! Too many of us and too many times we go through the motions or try to “serve” Christ’s church when we are so spiritually dry on the inside. Don’t think our family and children don’t know who we really are!
Farrar goes on the mention what he calls “spiritual anorexia” (113). This is simply not reading Scripture and spending some time each time meditating on its truths. Matthew 4:4 and Deut. 32:46-47: Moses was told the God’s Word was his LIFE, and if Jesus needed God’s Word (Matt. 4), then I certainly need it. Three things Scripture reading each day does for me:
1 – it reminds me there is a God who is ruling the affairs of my life.
2 – I need to be reminded of what’s true.
3 – the morning briefing reinforces my convictions.
Next, Farrar mentions “spiritual bulimia” (119). This condition is an aversion to applying the Scripture to my life (James 1:22; Ezra 7:10; Psalm 1). This psalm says that the “blessed man” meditates on God’s Word regularly. I want to be blessed by God. What about you?
The next spiritual discipline that should not be overlooked is prayer (137). “Prayer is the exercise of the man who is a spiritual self-starter.” (137). Farrar calls prayer “aerobic kneeling.” It’s great exercise.

part 2, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

In chapter four, titled “One Woman Kind of Man,” Farrar uses the interesting illustration of Hernando Cortez and the burning of the ships. The story goes that that after landing in a new land to explore, Cortez burned all the ships so that his soldiers could not turn back even if they wanted to. They then had to fight. Applied to marriage, if we “burn our ships” behind us, we’ll fight more for our marriage . . . Farrar states, “Burning your ships expresses commitment.” I agree. Men should "burn" the ships that would either make available divorce or would tempt him to return to other relationships. As a matter of fact, I just read on the news three or so days ago, that the threat of the break-up of marriages over old flames is now greater than the threat from the cute little secretary in the front office . . . Not only that, but on another topic, a lot of men have not “cut the apron strings” so that their mother is still very significant in their lives, too significant in many cases. The Scriptures are clear, when you get married, you “leave” your father and mother. I think this means “leave” emotionally, financially, and geographically. To stay in proximity from either angle only causes problems, and many people know this is true, whether they want to admit it or not. As Farrar says, “We live in an era where commitment is cheap” (83), and I think he’s right.
Farrar goes on to use the Marine slogan “Semper fidelis” (always faithful). He goes on to discuss how that a one woman kind of man is committed with his eyes and committed with his mind (on this last topic, this man is aggressive with temptation) (89-97). Furthermore, the one woman kind of man is faithful with his lips (not a flirt), faithful with his hands (careful in touching other women), and committed with his feet (runs away, if need be; see 1 Cor. 6:18).

part 1, Notes from the book Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, by Steve Farrar

A Chinese proverb says: "It is harder to lead a family than to rule a nation." Why is this the case? I think it's due largely to the fact that Satan has a goal to plunge families into ruin, thereby spoiling the Gospel witness in many lives. Eph. 5 mentions that the marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. If the enemy can mar and distort this picture, children will not have this view of Christ. And if the enemy can neutralize the man, he can easily bring the family into disrepair.

Farrar enlightens men to the fact that God has appointed us to be the head of our family. He states, "You are the point man." (27). This means husbands are to lead and not surrender that job to mommy, TV, school, Sunday school teachers, the wider culture, or the child's friends. Three first steps are (43ff.): be there physically, be there emotionally, and be careful about adultery. As for "being there," Christian men need to understand that time is measured in quantity, not "quality." We've bought into culture's notion of "quality time." Time isn't measured that way; it's only measured quantitatively.

We spend our money and time on things that fail to satisfy and we begin to wonder what life's ultimate purpose really is. We are, in short, losing our bearings as a people and a nation. Focus on the Family has launched The Truth Project which is a DVD-based curriculum designed to offer a look at life from a biblical perspective. Mt. Moriah Baptist Church, 3631 Hornsboro Rd., would like to invite high school juniors and seniors to attend this bi-weekly experience held at Mt. Moriah and facilitated by pastor Mel Winstead, Ph.D. Teens will learn answers to questions such as Who is man?, Who is God?, What is true?, What about ethics?, etc. The only requirements are an absolute commitment to attend each session, and an RSVP on this blog (by commenting or calling) or via email to the pastor by Saturday, March 24. The first session will begin Saturday, March 31 at 6PM (complimentary meal is provided). Pastor Mel’s email is www.melwinstead@shtc.net.